Tea Party Protests We Can Believe In
On this Monday, April 15th, we will enjoy both the benefits and detriments of the 16th Amendment to the Constitution which has permitted income taxation by Congress for the last 100 years. Also on this day in all 50 states, “grass roots” tax protests of varying authenticity will occur outside post offices, government buildings and town squares as tens of thousands bemoan the annual freedom killing duty that is the timely filing of our returns.
Notwithstanding that these protest folks are in apoplexy over the lowest marginal tax rates since Reagan, that the last GOP POTUS turned a $200 billion surplus into an $8 Trillion deficit, and that taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society, Tea-hadists will wail, kick, moan and mug for the cameras about the manifest injustice of paying any taxes at all for anything.
As a public service to those festooning their vehicles with flags and hats with tea bags Monday, I humbly suggest Dollar Bill’s Five Point Plan Pointing to Credibility for Protesters.
1. Keep the Kids Home! That’s right, make it senior skip day for the next calendar year, as the vast majority of American children attend sneaky, lefty, brainwashing tax-funded dens of iniquity. This serves several purposes, as it will show those smarmy union teachers and government types you don’t need or want knowledge for your children, arrest the secret programming cycle of liberalism and promote family togetherness. If parents have jobs or important tea parties to attend, they can demonstrate pioneer spirit by leaving the kids alone on their own.
2. Shut Off All Utilities! In several regions in the Republic, utilities are funded in part by direct and indirect subsidies. In all areas, there’s some form of a namby-pamby public service commission preventing monopolies from reaping even more their God- given obscene profits. This move both cuts off your subsidy of the government weenies, and demonstrates that through your family’s rugged individualism, you don’t need them ANYWAY. So there. Proviso: This step does require plenty of blankets, cord wood, candles, rainwater, salt, brine, soap, and deodorant.
3. Boycott the Grocery! Nothing says freedom more than the phrase “grow your own.” Who needs the FDA and Agriculture Department sucking up your income and mucking around with the foods your family enjoys when with a few seeds and some gardening tools, you can transform your home or apartment into a “freedom farm?” That ought’a learn ‘em.
4. Stay Off the Roads and Junk the Car! Billions of our tax dollars each year go to government-run highway construction, maintenance and auto safety regulations. The FAA is constantly meddling in air travel, and our passenger rail system is actually OWNED by our would-be government masters; live your philosophy large and just say no to modern transportation! Ride the range horseback like your settler forbears and use the manure on your freedom farm!
5. Stay Healthy and Safe With Tea Bag Mind Control! If your self-sustaining stay at home clan remains hearty, you won’t have to go hypocrite by dialing 9-1-1 FOR ANYTHING. Without all the lame stream toxins from TV, radio, electric light, fresh water, heating, cooling, inspected foods and medicines, you’ll bask in that old time religion, and natural Plymouth Rock Pilgrim-style health will descend upon your family like so many divine blessings from the Lord. By curing illnesses, resolving domestic disputes and fighting off rampaging hordes of illegals and revenuers yourselves, your family will have no need to call the fuzz to your bunker, and we all know what will happen if “the Man” sees how you’ve completely cut him out of your pre-apocalyptic fantasy.
So stalwart teabag folks, stick with this simple plan and please check in next April 15 so we can see how y’all did!
Photo by Sage Ross